summertimeblues | IC Inbox

IC Inbox

Shit there's video calling now?

((content warning for aspic, please avert your eyes all ye who enter here))

Oh yeah? What from? Don't get too curious about the garburator.

Anyway, what's in it for me, Mustachio? These things are literally irreplaceable, can you be trusted to return them intact?

What does that even mean— [Nevermind.]

What, you think I wouldn't treat them with the utmost care a man can possibly exert? You wound me. I'll bring them back intact, and I'll... What does a man like you want?

Okay you know what? This is important. I'm gonna worry myself sick now if something does happen.

Go to the kitchen and get a cucumber.

[There's a long pause, where Dorian just takes a deep breath and questions how much dignity he's going to have left. After he's decided he doesn't have any, he gets up to walk across the Station. Eventually:]

I'm in the kitchen with a cucumber.

I'm so proud. Look into that sink on the left. It should have a funny hole in the bottom of it. Do you see it?

Yes, yes, I'm not blind. I already know that's where the water drains, why am I holding a cucumber?

Because you've got to put it in the hole, Dorian.

This is possibly the strangest game of "put a phallic object in a hole" I've ever played. You're make a fool of me, aren't you?

[He says, with a background of Dorian very obviously doing it anyway.]

Just do it. Stick the cuke in the hole!

Maker, please—never shout that again.

It's in the hole.

Now push.

What the fuck, Richie.

I'm being serious. You have to know.

What could I possibly learn from this experience? You're making a fool of me, I know it. I was just asking a simple question for the greater good—

[Dorian pushes the cucumber.

Dorian yelps, and drops his phone.]

What the fuck, Richie!

Edited (ignore me) 2018-04-04 21:45 (UTC)

[His laughter is poorly muffled.]

Listen, listen...

If you break my records, that cucumber will be your dick.

[The expression of realization and pure horror that Dorian wears as he looks between his phone screen and the garbage disposal full of a poor dick shaped vegetable can go under the definition of fear in a dictionary.]

I won't break your records.